‘Plooterin aboot’
Venue: Pretty countryside off to the right of the Old Chiang Mai road(Route 1211) between the 17th and 18th km. markers.
Hare: Namron
Thirty one of us gathered for the July Hash, 10 young hashers, 2 virgin Hashers from Florida (welcome), and our usual polyglot of nationalities at various peaks and troughs of physical well-being. Ranging from those who could put on their trainers standing up - through the middle level of those who needed to sit down to do so, causing some degree of gastric reflux as they compressed their middle regions, - on to the elite of our group who needed to bend forward when standing to even see their feet and the assistance of a loved one to put their shoes on for them. We cater for everyone.
Early afternoon heavy rain had deterred a few less hardy souls, and the aftermath of a good Friday night may well have rendered one or two Hashers reluctant/unable to countenance anything as energetic as walking. The drop in humidity post-rain, and a slightly later start time of 16.30 hrs meant it was cooler than for our last two Hashes.
While Doesn’t Matterhorn collected the Hash cash, Namron worked out who was able to attend the Buffet meal after the Hash. Information/money gathering sorted, Namron gave us a pre-Hash pep talk.
He promised us a 6 km. route suitable for the slightly inclement weather ( it was still doing a fair attempt at a Scottish drizzle when we gathered), no arduous ascents, and only a few ‘checks’, one of which was described as ‘tricky’. His clue for this one was ‘think corn’. Huh! more about this later.
We set off, some of us sheltering under (um)brollies, others brazenly braving the elements. Within a few minutes the rain had stopped and we enjoyed the rest of the Hash under slowly lightening skies, the sun finally showing up to light the way home.
The FRBs took off, going so fast I didn’t even see them go.
Most of the route was over hard-packed red earth paths, rendered slightly slippery by the rain, especially in areas where there was a covering of leaves. Mud had been promised by Namron in his briefing, and we were not disappointed. For short distances we went slipping and sliding, squelching and splashing, plootering aboot in the mud. Not enough to delight a hippo looking for a wallow, but enough to ensure our immaculate trainers and gleaming calves were rendered in red and grey speckle.
Reaching one check point we were given assistance. “Don’t go that way” said the Hare, who had been drinking from the bottle marked ‘human kindness’, “that’s to slow the FRBs down”, and it did. Apparently we had been spared a steep slippery ascent and descent that took the FRBs in a circle and cost them much time and effort. They caught up with us only as we waited at…..
The longest ‘check’ in CRH history
Following the route into a narrowing valley, we reached a check point. The way ahead looked promising, the scrambling path to the left looked less inviting and went sharply up a hill, but, hey this was Namron’s course, surely we would be due a little pain? The way to the right through the field and up?
Nope. No paper. No paper anywhere. Don’t panic. Do what we do best. (Since it was the first time many in the rear walking crew had been at the front of the pack and had to actually check for paper.)
The Hash Pack performed the classic Hash defensive manoeuvre of standing around looking interested but hopeless, waiting for inspiration and someone else’s perspiration to lead the way. There is always someone willing to put in more effort than we can aspire to, and in this case it was Wi, Peter, Bruce, Sven and Mark and Ian who did the necessary running around. Crops of corn in every single direction rendered Namron’s clue of ‘think corn’ as unbelievably useless.
While we waited around hoping the Hare acting as sweeper would turn up and point us again in the right direction, Hashers retraced already checked routes to no avail. After about 10-15 minutes, with the Hash pack standing around muttering, and looking increasingly like a herd of Musk ox in a defensive circle, with the searchers (the wolves) orbiting in increasingly desperate circles, someone eventually twigged that a check could be in any direction –including straight back the way we had come. Sure enough, 100 metres back, the trail went off to the right. Off sped the FRBs not to be seen again until we got back to base.
Breaking out of our defensive formation, the Hash pack set off again.
The route took us past some Hill tribe villagers in a newish looking settlement of wooden houses on stilts, with a slightly out- of- place looking brick church. They gazed in apparent bemusement at us – what were all these strangers doing walking, surely they could afford cars or motorcys?
The mystery of why the Hare hadn’t come to our assistance when we had been stuck at the tricky check became clear on the way back. He had lingered to re-lay the trail, as the latter part of the course doubled back to cover part of our starting route. A fine steady pace took us home in comfort.
FRBs
First in was Sven ,then Wi and then Able Seaman, now supposedly officially retired from active service, but putting many of us comparative youngsters to shame. Well done everyone, especially as you all covered a fair greater distance than us.
The Circle
After quaffing our post-Hash snack of beer, soft drinks and crisps – just enough to keep a hungry hasher (and Bushwacker and an opportunistic white hen) going till the buffet – we were called into a circle.
Watching, with bemusement, were our two new recruits, from USA. Don’t worry, it doesn’t make sense to any of us, no matter how many times we come along.
- Failing to flog any T-shirts this month despite a hard sales pitch, Shocking (our Chairman) moved on to thanking the Hare. This being Namron, renowned as a setter of killer routes, we had all been pleasantly surprised by the course. It was suitable for the weather, it wasn’t arduous, and it was in very pretty countryside, that we were left with enough breathe to enjoy. I resheathed my mythical scimitar, he was safe, pep-talk promises had been kept.
- Hares – with a tiny little bit of arm-twisting, Doesn’t Matterhorn was given the opportunity to be the hare for October. We now have Hares allocated till next year. Thank you all.
- A naming ceremony was required as we had 4 more Hashers to add to the Roll of Honour. Those who had stayed the course, shown true resilience and turned up for 3 Hashes had to have this achievement marred marked.
Kodi, spawn of Namron and brother of ‘Ranger’ became ‘Buffalo Bill.’ Their adventurous friend Nakkarin suggested his own name as ‘No Name’, and Michael and his girlfriend (Da?) - who had managed to find the starting point despite not knowing how to decipher those tricky Km. markers - became ‘Special Services’ (her, a Nurse) and ‘Special Needs’ (him).
‘Special Services’ struggled to finish her drink in time to for the end of the ‘downing song’ but Shocking did not –unlike at last month’s Hash- assist by finishing it off for the struggling Hasher. Could this have had something to do with it being a soft drink she was downing, not a beer?? True gallantry should know no bounds, Shocking, we expect you to sacrifice yourself.
The Circle was kept brief as a buffet awaited.
Hares for the rest of the year are:
August- Do it yourself and Do it Better
Sept. – Fired up
October – Doesn’t Matterhorn
November- Gorf and Able Seaman
December- Wirgin Bruce and Wild Woman
Photos of the event are attached.
On, on OoohMatron and Oddjob.
N.B.
For the benefit of any of our growing group of young Hashers who may be reading this, Oddjob has dared to suggest a few truly awful old jokes. If you have better ones – in Thai or English – let me know at the next Hash.
These are Oddjob’s best :
‘ Where can you find a tortoise with no legs?”
Answer: “Wherever you left it’.
‘Where do elephants sleep?’
Answer: ‘Wherever they want to.”
Why do flamingoes stand on one leg?’
Answer:’ Because if they lifted the other, they’d fall over”.
‘Why do cows wear bells around their necks?’
Answer: “Because their horns don’t work’
Sorry.
