‘A Hash of the Ancient Mariner’
(with apologies to the Hares if I have, inadvertently, omitted any possible nautical phrase or allusion)
51 of us gathered in yet another of Chiang Rai’s beautiful settings to partake of Virgin Hares Titanic and Iceberg’s Hash. Four Virgin Hashers joined us, and women and children again made up well over half of our party. Scotch on the rocks and Special Services were back, as were the “powder puff “girls and parents , and Secondhand and Bangcock joined us for their last hash in CR for a while. England calls.
Nearly clear blue skies, 30oC in the shade, low humidity - what trials we Hashers have to face here. Even the air quality was very good for the time of year. This month’s Hash was to take us through a varied landscape of some little foothills, around a few well watered paddies, shady linchee and lamyai orchards and dry dyptocarp forest.
Pulling up anchor
At 15.45 hours, with only a cursory warning of ‘don’t go over the rickety bridge’ and not even a ‘head to starboard’ from the Hare’s briefing, we were cast adrift from our moorings. “Badman and Bobbin” en famille joining us just as we got underway.
The FRBs steamed full ahead before we crested the first hill, leaving not even a ripple in their wake to guide us. With no horizon at times and sextant and compass adrift, we had to rely on jetsam to chart our course. Luckily, our ship’s motley crew proved able seamen with Sally, Chris, three of the virgin Hashers, Bruce in his guise as Cabin boy all taking turns at the helm and steering us ‘steady as she goes’.
We listed to the left, and then we listed to the right, struggling to keep up a fair rate of knots and our balance. The Hash flotilla descended into the troughs and chugged up the other side like worn –out Clydebank puffers, overburdened and underpowered.
“Titanic”, (on convoy escort duty), greeted us with “Come, on you lazy land-lubbers ‘ as we topped one hill. This nearly resulted in him being holed and then marooned on the nearest “Iceberg”. Though the voyage was easy, the temperature was tiring but with two young Ship’s Doctors taken on board at Mae Sai, we were in safe hands.
We tacked through the fruit trees, occasionally got stuck in the Doldrums as we sought a route, then caught the hot breezes on the windward sides to carry us along. Fine vistas of hills, verdant rice fields were sighted along the way. The ‘rickety bridge’ didn’t tempt any of us –it was in far better condition than many we had traversed on previous Hashes. With land in sight, rascally Pirate “Ma’am a laid” commandeered a powered vessel to take her past the line ahead of us, but her plans came asunder when our crow’s nest let out an ‘ahoy’ and she was made to disembark. Next time we won’t be so forgiving – the plank awaits.
“On Fire” cruised into harbour first, then some swashbucklers. Most of us had been anchored up for some time before the last Hasher washed up. The log reports voyage duration of I hour and five minutes for the main flotilla, no castaways or men overboard , and that only a few sailors such as “The Lost Samurai”, ”Nok easy “and the lost boys of Namron had been sucked into that Bermuda triangle of CR Hashes -‘ the short cut’.
“Odd job” made land some time after me for once, having had to veer off course to avoid a 3metre long dark sea snake (that turned out to be black electric cabling being wound up and pulled through the undergrowth by two local farmers.) He - very sensibly - refrained from letting out a cry of “Avast behind’ on seeing me.
In port, victuals were manhandled from the hold of Iceberg’s vessel. Provisions of ale, fruit to stave off the scurvy and fruitcake for added ballast made up some of the delicious fare.
The Circle.
G.M “Handcock” led the circle.
· Loud applause and thanks to the Hares for a ‘great’ Hash – and food -, even Namron couldn’t find fault. “Shocking” presented them with their complementary T-shirts with NEW DESIGN hare badges.
· “Shocking “also broke his duck of the year and sold 2 other T-shirts and two Chiang Rai Hash S2ATO (Start slowly and Taper off)badges.
· Four Virgins were called into the Circle. Lovely to meet you all, and good luck to the 3 younger ones in your careers. To our fit but more venerable fourth hasher, I’ll just say “welcome” and that we hope you come along again.
· The Hashers who had taken the ‘short cut’ were named and shamed. The Lost Samurai living up to his name on this occasion.
· We now have a first aid box to deal with minor injuries. Hash Beer will bring it along each month with the drinks.
· Some debate was had about the suggestion of changing our next Hash date to accommodate Chiang Mai Hashers joining us for a weekend of Hashes. Our ‘normal’ Saturday Hash, a Sunday hash, and a ‘Male’ Hash for the rufty tuftys on the Monday. We would be welcome to join the Sunday and Monday (Mon =Men only) ones if we wanted. It was eventually agreed to leave our March date/Hash unchanged and see what develops. Namron and Able Semen were going to assist in setting any trails. Chiang Rai Hash is not a “normal hash” - we are very family orientated, soda drinkers outnumber the beer drinkers every time and we wouldn’t even need a ‘parental guidance’ certificate if we were a film. Viva la difference!
· G.M “Handcock “ told us about the next Bike hash to be held on the first Sunday of March - a descent of Doi Tung (repeat ‘DESCENT’) is promised. He will send out more information nearer the time.
· Namron had to be bodily removed from the Circle by Sperm bank after getting too enthusiastic about acquiring volunteers to become hares. Two sets of hashers had been pinned by Namron’s gimlet stare, but the rest managed to escape due to the intervention. Being a Hare is good fun, nothing to be scared of, and we are grateful for everyone who volunteers. The more experienced hashers are keen to lend a hand and advice to any Virgin Hares.
· The circle closed on another good afternoon of conversation and exercise.
Hares for the following months are:
March – Shocking, Pea, and Dirty Dancer
April – Able Semen
May –
June -
July – Ma’am a laid and Soreyarsis
August –
Sept -
October – Fired up and On Fire
November – Oddjob and Ooh Matron
December –
January 2012 – Cop out.
