HHH Run Report #100

Dates: Saturday February 17 through 19, 2012
Hares: Able Semen supplemented by Nam Ron, Red Hot and Pole Dancer
Location: Baan Ruam Mitr (Elephant Camp) Chiangrai town and Rai Boon Rawd

Friday Night Pub Crawl
It took a hundred runs before the Chiang Rai “Family Friendly” S2ATO (Start Slowly and Taper Off) Hash finally got around to doing anything innovative but at last that moment has come. On the eve of the great occasion beginning at 7:30 pm armed with only a hairy tennis ball and packet of manioc flour, Nam Ron boldly bounced out a trial from the Condoms and Cabbages to the Wangcom Hotel. Five very different bars lay along the way. The group began with your faithful correspondent, Pole Dancer, Red Hot, Soon to be Virgins Mindy and Kelly plus Not Yet Virgin Antony. At the first spot, Chiangrai Belly, we encountered our leader Shocking well into his beer along with Backsliders Boy Magnet and Pickled Prick. At the next spot, Rico’s, Mecca of expatriate residents, our numbers increased with the addition of the weekend’s hare, Able Semen then licking his wounds from a recent motorcycle accident along with Rubber and Fat Cat. Next we headed over the Chiangrai Hipster an outdoor place which was jumping with local kids. Going to the opposite extreme we hit Lek House on Tanalai Road where we were the only customers in their bamboo abode. Finally we staggered into the bar kitty-corner to the Wangcom Hotel where his pockets empty and his belly full, this truthful reporter left the others to continue their sins.


Saturday, Chiang Rai Hash 100th Run
The next day the group now greatly enlarged returned to Rico’s for registration and t-shirt distribution There were 43 of us including 5 children, and 14 women. This number included two extremes four virgins and eight hard core hashers from Chiangmai. The latter could be readily identified by their more risqué t-shirts and Rambo-style gear but otherwise they really looked quite similar to the Chiang Rai hashers.
Our Swiss German correspondent asserts here that at Rico’s we were of course received with the warm and gracious hospitality for which the Swiss are so renowned. He then goes on to observe that the t-shirts distributed bore a likeness of Shocking on the front, came in a choice of S, M, L or 2XL (for Shocking) and contained only one typo. This he declares makes it a real steal. The best customers were the Chiangmai hashers who, it seems were not as un-family friendly as is generally claimed. Many bought an extra presumably as a peace offering to partners left back home. Our shirts have gained some notoriety among hash circles as the only hash paraphernalia which people dare to wear outside hash circles.

From Rico’s the jolly group continued by boat to the Elephant Village, where the walk began. During the boat journey hashers were able to observe the Chiang Rai construction boom on both sides of the river, including at the Elephant Village itself where a new structure has been built that compares unfavourably to the old one (yes, this is possible) in terms of architectural merit.

Able Semen had laid out 2 trails, one steep and one relatively flat. Eighteen hashers including three children, four virgins and one recently delivered mother who didn’t know better dared to scale the steep option. Those who had the courage to look down, got the benefit of spectacular views over the Kok River. Being in Elephant Country we were also given a safety briefing (*yawn*) about what to do when encountering an elephant, but it was nonetheless with some surprise that we did actually come across one halfway through the walk. However he went and hid behind a bush (not easy when you’re an elephant) upon seeing (smelling?) the hashers, possibly because he took them to be his next ride. In any event, if a hasher does ever find himself in danger of being charged by an elephant, this is a situation where it is vitally important to be with a carefully chosen companion. This is because it will not be possible to outrun the elephant, so it is important to outrun the companion. For this reason the smallest children, Ranger, Buffalo Bill and Johnny Walker had lots of companionship on this trip, notably Nam Ron, Comes Twice, Jolly Molly, Pole Dancer, Red Hot, Barely Legal, Most Wanted plus Virgins Jereme and Kelly who despite their inexperience know a good thing when they see it. One thing that really impressed the Chiangmai hashers was how the paper went directly under the elephant. How did the hare manage that trick? Able Semen refused to divulge any “family friendly” secrets.

However steep trail went up and down, drainage at points could be a problem as Virgin Kelly discovered when she slipped knee deep into a puddle of mud. Just as Turkish Delight’s eye wandered to a busty lady leaning over some rice plants, he fell also into a pothole. When his cries for help failed to elicit the desired fondling attention, he was obliged to limp onwards for eventual evacuation to hospital. Likewise Horny Monkey found no sympathy when he was caught doing willful damage to a bamboo bridge with one leg dangling down between two poles.

Keeping on paper was no easy task. It seems our hare raided a confetti factory to get this run’s supply. The tiny pieces easily disappeared into the surrounding flora. Your devoted correspondent followed most the trail with founding GM Brain Health who after 35 years of hashing in Thailand has developed a practiced eye for paper. Nonetheless we lost our way many times but eventually saw Lost Potato and Virgin Bryan chasing up a hill in the distance. Unfortunately for them, they had stumbled upon the flatter route and were headed in the wrong direction. Some villagers sorted us out.

Our very own Flying Dutchman kept pace with Square Rooter and the other Chiangmai FRBs but at the end they were overtaken by Craven Image who slipstreamed in the enormous wake of Shocking and Fat Cat who accompanied by Kitty Kat and Belly Dancer, short-cutted the last hill. Meanwhile the twenty-five other hashers like Cop Out, Bang Cock, Second Hand and Scotch on the Rocks who chose to do the relatively flat route, leisurely wound their way about while Cop Out’s enamoured husband Virgin Pim serenaded.

Age and sorry experience trumped youth on this hash as most of the younger crowd got lost and had to be picked up by the old, sorry experienced hashers after they became tired of waiting in the elephant stables. The tricky point of etiquette as to which of the lady hashers should be given the comfortable seat inside the pickup was ingeniously resolved by Frozen Dick who commandeered the seat for himself. Last in were Barely Legal and Most Wanted who had become so absorbed in their own romancing that they failed to notice the absence of paper and had to call for assistance.

The boat trip back to Chiangrai landing in the cool of the setting sun was even more pleasant that outward trip. Once back on solid ground, the two Specials disappeared along with Soreasses and Marmalaid. Likewise our devoted scribe, Comes Twice slipped into the darkness with Jolly Molly so the story continues with input from this humble replacement.

GM Shocking called the circle to order to splash the hare and the virgins and visitors in the time honoured way. In his own immitigable style he recognized the founding couple of our hash, Brain Health and Just Perfect. Of the 99 people who came out to that first hash, the three were present this day happened to be the hares on that occasion, notably Brain Health, Square Rooter and yours truly. Brain Health and Buffalo Bill, aged 69 and 7 were honoured as the oldest and youngest people to complete the steep trail.

The formalities completed we got down to the serious business of the circle. Mindy was named “Most Wanted” with fond memories of her recent flirtations with the FBI. Shinji recently retired from Air Canada, got the name “Mile High.” Virgin Kelly demonstrated cartwheels as an alternative form of hashing. Virgin Jereme topped that by walking on her hands into the eager embrace of Horny Monkey. Not to be outdone Fat Cat insisted on showing off his idea of the back flip. His particular profile uniquely facilitated rolling around on the floor.

Now back at Rico’s for the On! On! On! Rico produced a buffet in such vast quantities that even 40 hashers could not consume it all. That served only to ready the crowd for the long night which stretched ahead. Your faithful correspondent like Cinderella had a deadline to meet and must let the story end there.

Sunday, Hangover Hash
However there is a postscript. As the last item of business at the circle, Red Hot and Pole Dancer announced that there would be a hangover hash the next morning and that anyone who got to the rendezvous point before 10:30 am would get a free cup of coffee. Eighteen hashers showed up in various stages of dehydration desperately in need of something to wake them out of their stupor. These included six women and two children, Ranger and Buffalo Bill plus two virgins Pedro and Elisha and Backslider Boy Magnet. Only Bushwacker, the dog looked eager for what would follow.

The trail wound around the rubber plantations of Rai Boonrawd off Old Chiangmai Road. As the sun rose in the sky and the coffee stimulus wore off, the hills seemed to rise steeper and valleys became ever muddier. At the last check, none of the alternative trails evidenced paper. This called for more creative solution which I am proud to report that your truthful correspondent discovered in his discrete sojourn behind an off-trail tree. Determined at last to be “first in” amongst the reduced competition, Able Semen and Flying Dutchman soon supplanted yours truly in the lead and claimed the final laurels for themselves.

On! On!
Hash Sec Wirgin Bluce and Hash Scribe Comes Twice