MAKING THE HASH GREAT AGAIN!
The November Chiangrai Hash was amazing. It was very, very, very amazing. Previous Hashes were NOT as amazing. Hundreds of people have told me it was amazing. I don't know if this is true but this is what people are telling me. Believe me, now the world is all better, the Chiangrai Hash will be doing great business and the December Hash will be super-amazing. Trust me. Thank you to Pussy Rainbow for giving me the opportunity to write this pre-ramble and thank you to the American taxpayer for generously providing him with a payment for having the opportunity to do so.
Signed,
Donald J. Trump,
POTUSA-elect at Trump Tower, NYC.
Many thanks to the new patron of the Chiangrai Hash House Harriers - The Donald. And in the real world the November Hash indeed was a super-awesome affair. Beginning with a big thanks to our super-fantastic Scouse Spiritual Advisor Shocking who offered minimal assistance to his super-magnificent finer half, chef-extraordinaire Pat On The Back for haring at a super-fabulous venue and providing a super-terrific supper to accompany the annual election. A healthy number of 25 not-so-healthy souls arrived at Namtok Tadsawan Forest Park, which was once a beautiful well-kept secret, on the afternoon of Saturday, the 19th of November. After all the latecomers were rounded up and taking into account participants' attention spans and eagerness to get moving, a thankfully minimal number of instructions were uttered by Shocking (I recall "that is a circle, it means a check, there are no false trails, go on what are you waiting for get going'). The few front-running blaggards were left in the dust by a crazy German who goes by the name of Crazy German. A seemingly peculiar
character (or maybe he is indeed just innocuously saner than the rest of us) who Shocking and the writer spent the previous almost-sober evening with, enjoyed the Rai so much that the writer was lumbered with he for the next few evenings. Now I know what the Munich Beer Hall Putsch of 1923 must have been like. To give him his dues he is a huge supporter of the international Hash House Harriers movement and embodies the slogan of a drinker with a running problem. Crazy spends his life in bars in Angeles, the Philippines (which incidentally has more Australian hashers in their club than any other HHH club outside of Australia) - think de-commisioned Clarke USAF base and as a travel agent organizes junkets to hash around Asia and the Earth. He has attended 218 chapters in 26 countries and has the stories to tell. But I digress, so FRBs Bad Dildo Bugger Hobbit, Grandmaster Frozen Ring and yours untruly tried to follow his lead to discover that he was not very able or willing to to indicate the correct direction at checks and he liked to double back on himself - a lot. Peculiarly crazy. The weekend walkers as always lapped up the quiet serenity, scenery and flora and
fauna whilst morphing into various changing small groups to share and enjoy pleasant conversation punctuated with the occasional future aspiration or complaint. What a lovely breed the walkers are. The Bad Dildo fell at the first hurdle whilst trying to quickly negotiate a patch of mud. Traversing through stands of native and replanted trees, rice paddies and fruit orchards on an almost perfect flat trail punctuated with sparse concrete, glorious water features and majestic sweeping views of distant escarpments (that's a hill range Shocking) all attendees were totally blissed-out. The German ex-football hooligan
was first to the beer despite completing the course twice. Our other special needs hasher formerly known as Vomitrainboworaldiarrhoeaflamingunicornsourpusslollypopsmayhem brought up the rear as he had completed the course one and a half times due to a mysterious false trail from a check leading to a paper trail that had been ran on before (the fool didn't realize for a km that he was retracing old footsteps so just kept going). He still isn't sure why some of the paper on the false trail was arranged in the form of swastikas. Maybe local farmers arranged the paper in the form of the Buddhist emblem as some kind of act of merit.
The comfort food at the forest rangers quarters was outstanding (especially the samosas as they had disappeared into various tummies before the last hasher arrived). We enjoyed the company of the inebriated gentleman who made friends with a ninth degree red belt jiu-jitsu master from Brazil. Turned out he was the local forest ranger and we were partying under his house - that was a lot of trash in the form of beer cans, soft drink bottles and cigarette butts that the people who refused to leave the party in the dark had to pick up. The circle welcomed Kate and May as virgins (the Ringmaster brought them there). Kiwi Alan was named Caillou. Welcome to the club bro.
With the war-cry of 'Freedom!' the most momentous election held in the world during the month of November began. The Ringmaster was joyously and unanimously elected to replace Frozen Ring, who we discovered was actually a Muslim born in Kenya, in the pay of Iranians and who operated a Satanic child porn and kitten sacrifice cult out of a DC comic themed pizzeria in cahoots with a devilish lizard woman whose husband had been the Governor of Texarkana. We were hoping for good riddance to bad rubbish but as our new supreme leader is in Oman and various other locations to make deals for a few months we were forced to keep the previous GM in office as a temporary transitional measure. He is hoping for a recount or impeachment to finally secure his freedom. In French Fanny's absence the much more reliable Wicked Witch was unanimously elected to the compatible dual positions of Hashcash and Hashbeer. Thanks to H2Hoe for setting the standard and to the Invisible Man (previously known as the Virgin Bruce) for not showing us how it's done by attending 2 out of the years 11 hashes. We still love you IM and look forward to the Xmas Hash at Santiburi Golf Course
to be hared by your Best Friend Forever. Shocking inherited the mantle of Spiritual Advisor which had been previously shared by a bored board of hashers including Copout, Scotch on the Rocks, Manboobs, Wirgin Bluce, Able Seaman, Namron, Kiwinee and Oral Banger. We understand everyman in this circle will be performing as the Scrooge, Tiny Tim and the Ghosts of Christmas' Past, Present and Future in a pantomime production of Dicken's 'A Christmas Carol' as a prelude to the Nativity inside Santiburi next Saturday - don't miss it. The Bad Hobbit was unanimously elected as both Hashscribe and Choirmaster because he can actually write (unlike the last semi-literate, unimaginative and dreadfully unfunny Hashscribe) and because he knows some songs from his years in the changerooms and showers of Sheffield Junior Rugby Union Football Club - yes hashers actually steal these songs from the game they play in heaven. The previous Choirmaster's hearty renditions of a forte of family friendly songs were a major factor in her eventual election as our new Grandmistress. The electors throughout were very quiet and
attentive (possibly because they didn't want to be nominated for office), so well done chaps and chappetes. In some final business the previously unofficial karaoke bar, watering hole and fast food joint owned by the partner of a hasher (who has been described as mad as a cut snake) named Mala in Jet Yod Road was proclaimed the Official Beer Bar of the Chiangrai Hash House Harriers Electoral College by a margin of 306-232 (it lost the popular vote by two million). Steps are underway to reverse the decision by our partners at the Vladivostok HHH club by convincing the electors to become faithless and asking the Federal Reserve for millions to recount the ballots by hand as well as.
granting hackers access to the voting machines to determine if they had been tampered with correctly. Notwithstanding it was a pleasure to receive a group of hashers On-on-ing at the Malabar to continue the day's larks and an utter delight to greet a delegation of eight of the finest hashers in the club's history at a pit stop in Mala whilst out for dinner and a night on the tiles last weekend. Mala was christened as Chiangrai HHH bar on this joyful occasion. Rumours that they were only there for a free Sambuca shot, fruit juice or soft drink are completely unfounded. We look forward to catching up with y'all at the Happy Holidays Hash next Saturday the 17th at 3PM. Lastly a personal cheers for reading and not taking this hash reporters efforts seriously through the annus horribilis some of us (especially music fans and our beloved Thai friends) have lived through in 2016. I look forward to being able to spend more time playing, reading about and watching cricket and AFL with my dogs and pottering around the house with my landlady in between lying on the couch the weekend before each hash event. THAT IS FINALLY ALL. HOWZAT? HE'S OUT!
MAKING THE HASH GREAT AGAIN!
