Christmas Hash

WARNING - THIS LONG STORY WILL NOT BE CUT SHORT         On the third Saturday in December twenty seven keen Hashpersons were eventually present at the voluptuous estate of Yellow Beaver and her worst half, Kiweeni, for 2015's Festive Hash. All had increased their carbon footprints by arriving in gasoline guzzling vehicles except for the environmentally conscious Ring Master and Ariel, who had hitched and walked to the venue, perched under rolling hills between the White Temple and Singha Park.
        Most were there for the promise of savouring a Thai Christmas Dinner; to be consumed after walking, jogging and/or getting lost in the countryside but some were also savouring the opportunity to be rid of the club's resident stud, Oral Banger, who was soon departing to ply his trade in Hawaii and then build a harem in the United Arab Emirates. After much discussion on the relative merits of blue or green spray paint and random symbols slightly resembling Ye Old Jolly Roger flags being defaced onto the hosts' lawn, there was finally some pedal movement. Able Seaman sprinted off first with the fastest 33.3 metre dash he had managed in some time, until his hips ordered his brain to go back to walking with the majority of the pack.  
         On a lovely day, for weather, the jaunt through the wider estate had some thinking, "Mmmm, did Gary Player design this moo bahn?" It resembled a golf course, with much undulating fairway and water hazards but with houses where the greens and holes should have been. The Bad Hobbit led the charge through a Som Tum plantation, being kind enough to notify us of the checks and the locations of Asiatic Oxen poo.
     After encountering several wild geese amongst the rice paddies, Pussy Rainbow must have had an epiphany to commence a wild goose chase as he decided to forgo the check spotting; avoid the sand quarry, which was obviously part of the designated route, and follow the banana trees dotting a concrete lane leading to it. Unbelievably to the writer, this had the unintentional 'Pied-Piper of Hamelin-esque' effect of the previous front-runner, The Bad Hobbit, following him into the seventh circle of Hell. Thus the evil Bilbo's intention of attaining line-honours and being first into the grub was lost on this occasion. All contact with the hash trail and its participants was lost at this point.
       Thus begins the saga of 'The Two Johnnies'. From then on quotes included -
Johnny #1 "My instincts tell me we'll find our way back in this direction"
Johnny #2  "How much do you trust your instincts?"
Johnny #1  "About 50-50"
Johnny #2  "Do you have any f@#%king idea where we are?"
Johnny #1  "Nup, but all we have to do is run back the way we came"
Johnny #2  "I'm pissed off at myself for following you?"
Johnny #1 "Never follow anybody, especially me"
Johnny #2 "I'm seeing red"
Johnny #1  "At least we must have done about 10 kms"
Johnny #2  "It's getting dark and all the food will be finished by the time we get there"
Johnny #1 "I'll ask this copper to give us a lift back "
       I did so in broken Thai and the broken FRB hopped in the truck cab while I directed said policeman to the temple, which resembles Elvis in his Las Vegas years, as the first step in finally getting Xmas dinner and pressies. Lo and behold on arrival at Wat Rong Khun we were informed by the gendarme that the Crown Princess was in attendance, vehicles (even police ones were verboten) and we would have to make our way back on foot. I am reliably informed that on arrival The Bad Hobbit spoke of Pussy Rainbow in the highest terms whilst pounding the skull and cross bones still present on the grass. Thus ends the Lord of the Rings/Hobbit septology.

              While sinking the amber fluid, one could taste the love that went into preparing Yellow Beaver's Christmas spread and after receiving the gift of Secret Santa presents the circle began. The obvious low-light was the presence of Oral Banger, countered by the highlight of the presence of his mum Linda, who's Hash moniker is not, but maybe should be, Breeder of Hunks - that line inspired by the female staff of of a local international school. It can only be assumed that the deplorably unjustly reasonable treatment he received will be rectified at the upcoming 'Lanna Bush Vive Le France/F$#k Daesh H3 Run in Chiang Kham' on January 23, where the encule can finally be bon yoyaged.  

          Virgins included a bunch of UFC trainees including Igor, Sarah and Adam (their Master, Frozen Ring made them all come at once) and Ariel (the Ring Master made her come immediately after a long walk and hitch-hike). Named Hashmeisters were One Hung Low (Bruce) and Balls Up (Andy). The other January Hash will be Hared by The Bad Hobbit (hopefully not in Thoeng!).
             Finally, in the words of the Two Johnnies, "It's goodnight from me, and it's goodnight from him. GOODNIGHT!"
That is all.