Feb. Hash Write-Up

The Feb. 2014 Chiang Rai FF Hash was set by two virgin hares, Puck Off and Baby Burner, who by choosing a gorgeous area, laying a fantastic trail and corralling a large group of their friends to come out and support, made it a memorable event.  The trail began at the backside of the the agricultural research center about 5 km south of the city and the beginning and ending point was a park on a scenic lake.  Over 40 hashers showed up,  nearly one third of them virgins that the hares had, by a combination of offers of “services” and threats of “unfriending on facebook,”  managed to pull off their barstools in Peace Bar.  The hare brief was unique in that after telling us about  2 trails, one long and one short, the hares then conceded that the short trail wasn’t very good and we should really just do the long one.   Following their lead, one of the front-runners, unnamed of course, took it upon himself/herself?  to completely remove any marks for the short trail, ensuring that all the hashers were able to enjoy (suffer through?) the long trail.  And for this scribe and most of the hashers,  what an enjoyable trail it was - winding over and around rolling hills to cow trails and dirt roads and finally into the agricultural center at the end.  The hares, showing their masochistic proclivities, used every cross trail to set a check so the beginning of the hash was littered with checks and even included a few false trails.  Baby Burner, feeling especially devious, had set a 300 m. false trail and had written “ha ha” in chalk to punish the poor soul who found it.  Ironically, she was the only one who suffered as the FRBs were able to find the proper trail and avoid her 600 m. round-trip trap.  A special trail hazard were the water-buffalo that were not overly happy to be awoken from their mud-bath slumber by groups of farang shouting “on on.”  The hares had intentionally set the final 500 m. of the trail around the outside of the lake ensuring that the hashers would not only get to enjoy the views, they would also pass by the swimming hole.  FRBs Namron and Just In Beaver took full advantage of this opportunity to cool off and have a beer but most of the other “clever” hashers, thinking that they would save some distance by short-cutting to the end on the road, completely missed this spectacular finish.  

The circle was on the lake, around a bonfire.  About half of the first-in were able to get seats around the fire but the slower hashers were left standing, circling around the beer.  The fifteen or so virgin hashers were invited into the circle and asked to give some personal details and why they came to the hash in one sentence.  One of the virgins declared his specialty was “making pancakes” and his girlfriend’s self-claimed ability was “eating those pancakes.”  A young German, who is teaching English (hmm what’s wrong with that picture?) in true hash spirit said he came to the hash “because I like to drink beer.”  Oral Banger made sure to point out that in a rather romantically campy Valentine’s Day fashion statement, one of the virgin hashers was wearing a  t-shirt that had sweetheart pictures of that hasher and his girlfriend on it.  Your humble scribe liked that idea so much that as soon as he arrived home he started searching the web for Angela Jolie and Brad Pitt pictures so that through a bit of Photoshop trickery, Brad’s face disappeared and his own mug  magically appeared.  Other highlights of the circle including Puck Off explaining for posterity where Oral Banger’s name really came from.  She told us that even though the name implies some sexual prowess, the truth is that the name came because Oral Banger shot a bottle rocket at her and it exploded in her mouth.  Oral Banger held his head in shame and finally offered his (somewhat) sincerest apologies for making her suffer such a painful indignity.  Crash was brought to task as being the only Hash Beer who has yet to complete one hash yet was highly appreciated for providing tunafish and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (not in the same sandwich of course.)   After much deliberation, one hasher got the hash name Clean Snatch in honor of her weight lifting hobby (of course) and another hasher was allowed to changer her name from “Always Stupid” to “Tasty Holes” in honor of the donuts she supplied (get your mind out of the gutter!.)  One virgin hasher splashed the hares for inviting him to the hash without telling him what was actually going to happen and finally Shocking came into the circle, made his sales pitch, and was able to entice two young females to come forward and buy T-shirts.  However when Cop Out, our Hash Cash came to collect money, she said “no, they don’t have to pay.”  “Why,” I ask all you readers who have made it this far “could that possibly be?”  . . . . . . . . . . The answer is: the two buyers were the hares and in case you were unaware, the Chiang Rai Hash takes care of its hares by providing free T-shirts and waiving the run fee.  So, we encourage you to step up and put your name in to hare one of the 7 or so remaining hashes left for 2014.  

scribed by Namron standing-in for Loose Stool (who was obviously having stomach issues)