Hares: Wirgin Bluce assisted by Wild Woman
Location: Wild Woman house in Santiburi Golf complex
The prospects for a successful hash in the middle of July looked unlikely as the rain deluged on three successive days prior to the event. However to everyone’s amazement the clouds cleared on the appointed day only to return with a vengeance once all had gotten safely home.
One of the first to arrive was the founder G.M. Brain Health. The unlikely presence of such a distinguished hasher at a second successive hash after so many years absence confused some people who thought they must have come to the wrong address. However parking was so easy that no one turned away looking elsewhere. Even Rafaele was able to find a place to put his car without falling into a ditch or climbing a tree.
By 4 pm there were seventeen men and sixteen women plus eleven children present. Our super efficient Hash Cash, Do It Yourself had collected. The one conspicuous absence was the temporary Hash Beer, Nam Ron. No one wanted to leave without assurance that the essential stocks had arrived. When he did appear, we learned that Nam Ron had heard rumours that Wild Woman had blown the budget for the party afterwards. He suspected that some lazy individuals had come to the hash with no intention of leaving the home base. So rather than risk these dissidents consuming all the beer while the true hashers went running, he refused to offload the beer until he returned.
Facing the prospect of a long, dry spell the entire group felt a powerful impulse to start as soon as possible in order to put an early end to the impending agony.
A new recruit with 15 years hashing experience in Phuket led the group off the starting block. His name is Allo, Allo and his answer to every question was predictably “Yes, no” or “No, yes.” Closely following this intrepid Front Running Bastard were Nick and Nile Weldon, visiting grandsons of the notorious Jiggs Weldon who long time Chiangrai residents recall fondly. Other FRBs included the fore-mentioned Brain Health, Do It Better, Nam Ron, Rolling and Stoned.
The first check was easily solved but the second was complicated by the presence of irritated cattle who justifiably decided to charge the FRB intruders. In their cowardly haste to withdraw from the field, the FRBs failed to find the way forward. This necessitated some delay while they stumbled about trying to inspire their adversaries to attack someone else. Eventually Allo Allo stumbled upon some paper which the hare had thoughtfully deposited behind a distant bush. Rather than attract attention to himself the FRB whispered On! On! to the next in line in hopes that he could escape without attracting the bulls attention.
Meanwhile many in the second wave of hashers caught up. Inspired by such easy success, Doesn’t Matterhorn abandoned Swiss Roll to chase after the front runners. Meanwhile Nam Ron heard vociferous complaints from his five-year son Kenji and reluctantly dropped back.
Mike Olsen brought his nubile daughter Josephine and his niece Plaeng. He then walked in their shadows all the way around the course for fear that some uninhibited males might get the wrong idea. Close on Mike’s heels were Shocking, Loose Spoke, Well Oiled and Rafaele. They left their spouses Pat-on-the-Back, Tight Sprocket and Lek far behind. Well Oiled even persuaded Oiled Well not to run this day claiming some medical condition. Idling with her at the home base were Do It Yourself, who took the precaution of wrapping a bandage around his ankle, and Pailin wife of Jim McAlear who brought along their three-year old child to keep her busy. Just Perfect took off in her car threatening to come back for the party.
Boy Magnet and Wild Woman’s niece Deuan got lost in the rush to fresh beauty.
Lek and her nieces Sasipha and Viradi could not bear to part from their fashionable high heels and wore them until they could no go longer. Then they completed the course barefoot.
The fourth check had five possible outlets. The actual way forward skirted a hill but in the confusion, Stoned thought he heard the On! On! coming from beyond the hill top. So he helpfully scattered paper along the road going straight up thus adding a new false trail for the grateful lot who followed.
The last check had no obvious way onwards. The one gate was locked, well covered with barbed wire and marked with the false trail symbol. The FRBs repeated asked the farmwife which way the hare had gone but she claimed she did not know. At least a half hour was wasted in their frivolous search. Meanwhile Yulia, Polly, Dirty Hairy, Naly, Smoked Weiner, Reverse Thruster, Jolly Molly, Ray Weldon (the under-performing progenitor of FRBs Nick and Nile), Nam Ron and Kenji who brought up the rear saw the FRBs wandering about the distant orchard and decided to shortcut across the rice fields. Then they got frustrated because they found thorns instead of paper.
Eventually Doesn’t Matterhorn returned to rice fields and ran another half kilometer until he found a place he could easily enter the Santiburi complex. Then he ran back to Wild Woman house and thus became the first one in.
Meanwhile Rolling deceitfully prevailed upon the farmwife’s Thai female solidarity to reveal where the trail led onwards. Mistaking her appeal for sincerity the girl pointed to the back of the house, where Rolling quickly discovered a gap which the others had overlooked. To the farmwife’s horror, she then cried out the On! On! and the race was back on.
There was one last deviation. This led on to a peninsula which faced the back of Wild Woman’s garden across 100 meters of water. Not to be discouraged, Nick and Nile stripped to their shorts and plunged in. Mike now hot after two hours chaperoning, did likewise as did Nam Ron.
Now clean and dried, the temporary Hash Beer jumped in his car and tried to escape with the booze. However before departing Kenji demanded the ice cream which Wild Woman had promised. Meanwhile Do It Yourself having patiently guarded the car (while nursing a bottle of water) forced him to offload.
Upon arrival the gang immediately set upon a fine repast prepared by Wild Woman with help from Lek (lasagna), Pailin (Yum) and Jolly Molly (fruit). So absorbed were the hashers in this gastronomic distraction that they dared to ignore the GM Shocking’s repeated calls for a circle. Eventually the night came to an end but not before all the food was eaten and the beer consumed.
Notes by Hash Scribe Wirgin Bluce
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